


Secrets of the Akatsuki

by HinaSaku



Category: Naruto
Genre: F/M, Humor, M/M, Multi, Out of Character, Television, Television Watching
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-01
Updated: 2018-02-25
Packaged: 2018-09-13 22:18:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,587
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9144709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HinaSaku/pseuds/HinaSaku
Summary: Pein finds out about a new show all about the Akatsuki and decides to show the members an episode to scare them, however there's always few who don't listen or don't care.





	1. Secrets of the Akatsuki

Pein rubbed his forehead as he cut off his microphone. He had just asked all of the Akatsuki members to assemble in the meeting hall as he had just discovered something that would (and should) shock them all as well as embarrass them too. Once everyone was seated, Pein looked at them all and sighed.

"Now, I know you're all wondering why I called you here…"

"Not really…" said Hidan bored.

"…but in a minute you will all see." said the orange haired man, ignoring Hidan's interruption. "Now, for the past few weeks there has been a show on TV called, "Secrets of the Akatsuki" and…well…it ain't good…just see for yourselves…warning this will shock and disturb you."

"A show about us?" Deidara looked only a little worried. "Are you sure this isn't some kind of prank?"

"No. Its no joke, Deidara. Now everyone pay close attention," Pein pulled out a remote and pressed a button, which made the lights turn off and a screen drop down. A few seconds later, it turned on revealing a raven haired woman with sunglasses and a fake beard.

_"Hello, everyone and welcome to Akatsuki Secrets! I'm your hostess Abby B. Clint here with your daily report." A screen popped up with a picture of Sasori and Deidara just sitting around. "Today's report is about Deidara and Sasori, the dynamic art duo! Deidara was working on a new form of art using the most cheapest of clay, probably because he doesn't have much experience with his art, which somehow causes it to explode."_

"HEY! I use a jutsu, you bitch! Get your damn facts straight!" shouted Deidara at the screen.

_"His partner is a half human, half puppet hybrid and possible sex doll…"_

Here Sasori was stared at by everyone in the room. More than anything else in the world, he hated being called a doll, let alone a sex doll. Meanwhile Abby continued. _"That's right folks. We have reason to believe that Deidara of Iwakugare and Sasori of the Sand Village are in a homosexual relationship! Here's ace reporter Kazumi Takimi with more details."_

_"Like Miss Clint just said, we have a reason to believe that these two…er…"people" have been in a very homosexual relationship and we have evidence." said a man in a black dog mask with a trench coat while in front of a large screen. The man stepped aside and pointed to the screen. On the screen was Deidara who was in front of Hiruko with his hand on his shoulders and from where the camera was positioned, it looked like Sasori's mouth was on…_

"Oh hell no!" Deidara looked horrified as everyone looked at both him and Sasori. "I-I WAS JUST HELPING SASORI WITH HIRUKO!"

"I don't know. It kinda looks like he's blowing you." Hidan smirked.

"I swear! I was just holding the shoulders while he was positioning the head from the inside! I-I swear!"

"We fucking believe you." said Hidan sarcastically.

"But I was!" Deidara pouted.

_"You don't believe that? Then look at this!" the screen then showed a red head that looked like Sasori with his ass in the air. Someone with long blonde hair grabbed it and started to pull the red head's pants down. Upon pulling them down, a heavy blur was placed over his genitals._

"That is not me!" Deidara squeaked as the Deidara on the screen began to do very heavy censored intimate scenes with the Sasori look-a-like.

"It looks a lot like Sasori and you." said Konan.

"I would NEVER do that with him of all people!" Sasori growled, looking embarrassed. 'My grandmother probably had a heart attack if she ever saw this…bull shit!'

_"Pretty juicy right?" Takimi laughed. "Well this next story is a good one too in my opinion."_

_A picture of Hidan picking his nose was shown onscreen. "Hidan, the Jashinist and only overly religious frantic and the most judgmental of this organization, picks his nose. Yes, the very same jackass who was telling off Tobi for crunching his chips a little too loudly was picky his own bloody nose!"_

**The video of Hidan started playing with him picking his nose on the couch. After finding a good sized one, he looked at it and wiped on the couch. He did this about 3 more times before sneezing and getting a good chunk of snot on the couch (EW!) and then rubbed his nose on a pillow on the couch, but not before blowing his nose on it.**

"YOU NASTY PIECE OF SHIT!" Konan looked disgusted.

The video fast forwarded it with Hidan watching TV for a few minutes before turning it off and leaving. Kisame came in a few minutes later and sat down, but his arm didn't touch the couch arm where Hidan had wiped his booger it. A few more seconds of fast forwarding and Deidara sat down too.

**"Whatcha watchin'?' asked the bomber after the video played normally.**

**"Shark week," replied Kisame.**

**"So…is this like porn for you?"**

**"What? No! I'm waiting for my show to come on." Kisame laughed nervously. "I don't watch porn."**

**"Mm-hm…" said Deidara looking skeptical.**

**"I don't…" the shark said refusing to look at Deidara. "Don't give me that look. I don't watch porn. I don't even read it."**

**"Liar…Itachi told me about your porn collection and how he burned it all…" he smirked.**

**"HE WHAT?!" Kisame ran out of the room. Deidara laughed.**

**"I just didn't want him to know I watch Ayumi Wonder: Magical Girl Fantasy…" Deidara turned the tv until there was a 12 year old girl was dressed up as a fairy princess . "GOOOO, AYUMI-CHAN! YEAH! KICK HIS ASS!"**

**"Itachi just kicked my ass because of y…what the heck are you watching?"**

**"N-nothing!" Deidara had turned the tv.**

**"Was that…" Kisame and Deidara's eyes meant brieftly before he took off running. The bomber jumped over the couch and took off after him.**

_"Wow…how embarrassing." laughed Abby. "Here's more footage of the akatsuki."_

Another video popped up with Sasori and Deidara's room which had 6:45 am. The blonde was shirtless and doing sit ups while Sasori was writing in what looked like a journal. After a minute, Deidara got up and started flicking his partner's ear.

**"Stop that," said Sasori.**

**"Nope…" Deidara continued to flip his ear.**

**"Why are you doing that?"**

**"'Cuz I wanna." Deidara said bored.**

**"I swear, if you don't stop, I'll…" Sasori stopped talking when Deidara started spinning his head. Suddenly a puppet burst of the closet, grabbed Deidara, opened its chest, tossed him inside, and headed back inside the closet. "Good, my security puppet does work."**

_8:30 am_

**Sasori had finally finished writing in his diary when Deidara burst out of the closet. Upon getting up, he shook an angry fist at his partner. "COCK SUCKER, UN!"**

**"Takes one to know one." he said calmly before walking out of the room.**

**"Fuck you too, asshole…" suddenly the bomber realized what he had meant. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU JUST CALL ME, UN?!"**

**Deidara then jumped up and ran out of the room.**

_12:30 pm_

**Deidara had come inside the room followed by Hidan, Konan, and Tobi. "Remember be quiet. That puppet might come out."**

**"What the fuck ever!" Hidan rolled his eyes. "Let's just get this shit over with. I got some juicy shit to get out."**

**"EW!" said Tobi.**

**"Not literally, asshole!" Hidan rolled his eyes.**

**All four of them sat down on the floor. Deidara then said, "Soooo. Who wants to go first? wait, where's…?"**

**"On a mission and _I'll_ go first." said Konan. "Guess who's shaved genitals I saw?"**

**"Who?" everyone said.**

**"Pein's!"**

**"Oh snap!" everyone said.**

**"He probably shaves because he's got crabs." said Hidan.**

**"Good one, Konan." said Tobi scribbling down what Konan said since he was the official secretary.**

**"Write down the crabs one too." added the albino.**

**"But we don't know if…" began the man.**

**"WRITE IT THE FUCK DOWN!"**

Pein looked at Hidan and Konan who were under the table.

**"Tobi's turn! Tobi's turn!" Tobi pulled out a box. "Guess what I found in senpai's room?"**

**He opened up the box revealing some gay porno magazines and a deflated sex doll with a strapon on top of it. Everyone said, "Oh snap!" once more and each grabbed a magazine. Hidan shook his head. "How fucking sad. Poor fucker can't even get dick."**

**"What a loser. I bet he lives with his mom. You need a new senpai, Tobi." said Konan.**

**"Yeah, what a lo…" Deidara shut up suddenly and had the face of someone who had just realized something horrible. "Uh, let's move on!"**

**He quickly took all of the magazines and stuffed them inside the box. No one, except Tobi and Deidara, knew why he did it, but shrugged it off. It was now Hidan's turn. He pulled out a large suitcase and opened it revealing a large amount of money. Everyone oohed and aaahed, except Konan.**

**"Where'd you get all that money from Hidan?" she asked raising a brow.**

**"From Leader-sama and Kakuzu's vacation stash." the albino giggled. "I saw 'em that shit hiding underneath that rock shaped like a dick. I've been taking that shit for ages."**

**"On the rock?" asked Tobi disguised**

**"NOT SHIT, YOU FUCKER! THE MONEY!" yelled the albino.**

Here Pein and Kakuzu looked at each other. "I thought it was you for a minute." said Pein.

"Same here." said the miser shaking his head. "Now we've really gotta hide the money somewhere else…"

"We'll talk about it later…WHERE THE HECK DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, YOU ALBINO THIEF!" yelled the orange haired man, glaring at the priest who was trying to sneak out of the room. Hidan sighed and sat back down, mumbling under his breath. "Shut the hell up over there. I'll deal with you later."

**"How much is in there? It looks like a lot." said the bomber, eyeballing the money and wondering what the albino was going to do with the cash.**

**"Over $50,000." Hidan smirked.**

**"Dang! How'd you'd you get away with that?" Tobi said in awe.**

**"Easy! I've been taking a little bit at a time…aaand planting some evidence that someone else stole it, aka fuckface and the old man."**

**"What are you planning to do with the money?" asked the purple haired woman curiously and the other two members nodded.**

**"I'm planning on…well it's a fucking secret."**

**"WHAT THE HECK DO YOU MEAN IT'S A…" Everyone covered up Deidara's mouth and looked at the closet where the security puppet was. When everyone uncovered his mouth, he whispered, "What the hell do you mean it's a fucking secret?"**

**"He's right. It's a secret club for a freakin' reason, un!" hissed Deidara.**

**"Member Hidan is a dirty secret keeper…" said Tobi as he scribbled something down.**

**"AM NOT, FUCKFACE!" Hidan whispered loudly. "Fine. It's a surprise then."**

**"That's slightly better." said Konan.**

**"Next time we meet up, I'll tell you. I'm still setting it up the prank right now, so have some fucking patience!" Hidan rolled his eyes.**

**"I guess it's my turn now." Deidara went over to his desk drawer, pulled out a small box, and sat down with it. "I found out the juiciest secret the Club of Secrecy has ever seen! It's going to top everything everyone in this club has ever seen!"**

**"What?" asked everyone leaning in closer.**

**"Sasori and Orochimaru…"**

Suddenly, Sasori started coughing **_really_ ** loudly causing everyone to look at him. Pein looked at him and paused the video. "Are you okay, Sasori?"

The puppet master coughed repeatedly. "I think **_*cough*_** something **_*cough*_** in my **_*cough cough*_** my throat!"

"Then go get some water then." said Pein.

Everyone couldn't help but to notice that Sasori (inside of Hiruko of course) left rather quickly. The orange haired man then rewinded and then resumed the video. "…used to date!"

Everyone (both onscreen and offscreen) gasped loudly. There were a lot of "HOLY SHIT!", "WTF", and "OMG" among the members. No one had ever expected the two to have been together and it shocked them. Even Itachi looked surprised.

**"Holy cow! Really!" said Konan gasped onscreen. "Since when?"**

**"Back in the old days when he was still in the organization. Look!" Deidara placed down the box.**

_Everyone started looking at the picture. The video switch angles, allowing the viewers to take a look at the different photos. There was even one where Orochimaru was wearing a thong. A lot of the members went green in the face while Kisame tossed his cookies and Itachi was covering his eyes, which were bleeding._

"TURN IT OFF! TURN IT THE FUCK OFF!" Hidan yelled as the video continued to show pictures of the man's various clothing. "I DON'T WANNA SEE THAT SHIT A SECOND TIME!

"PLEASE!" everyone shouted.

Pein was happy to obey and quickly forwarded the video until the photos were put away the second time.

**"That was…uh…pretty juicy…I guess." said Konan looking a little sick.**

**"Especially since that booty was pretty juicy." said Hidan who was looking a little paler than usual. "I will never get that old ass outta my fucking head. Thanks a fucking lot, asshole!'**

**"Well that's enough secrets for today." Deidara put away the box. "Meeting of The Club of Secrecy adjured!"**

_"And that's all for today folks." said Abby once the video had stopped. "I'm Abby Clint and tune in tomorrow for more Secrets of the Akatsuki!"_

The video then ended. Pein stood up. "So does anyone know what this means?"

"Someone's going to be severely punished and/or eaten?" said Zetsu.

"No…well yes and no…it means we have to avoid doing anything embarrassing until we find out who those people are. That means that anything you wouldn't do in public, you don't do here either!" said Pein. "Everyone understand?"

Everyone nodded. "Good. Everyone…Get the fuck out. I can't stand looking at most of you right now."

Everyone left the room, with majority of them running out of the room. Pein sighed. Hopefully, after seeing that embarrassing display, they wouldn't do anything…however deep in his gut, he knew someone was going to attempt to do something stupid and get it on TV.


	2. Embarrassing Secrets

The next day everyone was called to the meeting room and everyone knew why. Someone had messed up and who it was, no one knew except the person or people who did it. On the way there, everyone eyeballed each other or smirked. Pein had promised about an hour after their last meeting that anyone who was caught doing anything bad or inexcusable was going to be punished and embarrassed in front of the whole Akatsuki _**and**_ the ninja world.

Once they had gotten settled into their chairs, Pein yelled. "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU IDIOTS!? DO YOU _**WANT**_ PEOPLE TO LAUGH AT US?! IT'S AN EMBARRASSMENT TO BOTH ME _**AND**_ THE ORGANIZATION! WHAT DO YOU PEOPLE HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELVES?!"

"You need to calm the…" Hidan got a book thrown at his face.

"DON'T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! YOU'RE THE MAIN ONE DOING STUPID SHIT! ROLL THE FOOTAGE KONAN!"

Konan nodded and played the video. The same woman from before was on the screen and was wearing a nurse jacket now. " _Hello everyone and welcome to Akatsuki Secrets! I'm your hostess Abby B. Clint here with your daily report."_

_A picture of a book called "How to Catch a Man and Keep Him" with a picture of a happy couple holding hands and grinning on the cover. On the right side of the book was a familiar mark of a scorpion. Everyone looked over at Sasori._

"Sasori, don't you have a mark like that?" asked Konan.

"Yes I wrote a book. What of it?" said the puppet master quite calmly.

_"Sasori of the sand village wrote a very…"_

_"…disturbing book…" said her co-host, Kazumi Takimi, from somewhere not too far off._

_"…yes VERY disturbing indeed...it describes in deep detail how you should win over your guy…" the woman shuddered. "I would not recommend the faint of heart to read this chaotic masterpiece of hardcore…pornography…ugh…some of the other members would agree."_

_The screen then showed Sasori sitting in the kitchen across from Tobi who was reading the book._

**"So…what do you think of it?" Sasori asked the man.**

**"I…um…I really don't…its very pretty…but um…I…um…" Tobi didn't quite know what to say and, from the way he was talking, he didn't want to say anything.**

**"Come on. Spit it out." Suddenly Sasori started looking at Tobi in a creepy way. His eyes no longer looked sleepy, were wide open, and his mouth was grinning creepily. "I understand if you don't like it. I worked really hard on it."**

**"It's the most amazing book I've ever read." Tobi lied clear as day, but Sasori seemed pleased and turned back to his normal form.**

**"Will you recommend it?"**

**"Yes!" Tobi didn't wish for him to make that creepy face again.**

**"Thank you for your time."**

_"That book was dirter than the dirt outside." said Clint shuddering once more. "I had to scrub my skin until it turned red and I bathed in cold icy water."_

_"Same here." said her co-host, still hidden. "However what do you expect from the same guy who had a relationship with a creep like Orochimaru…"_

_"…or as the book calls him…"_

Sasori tried to zoom out of the room, but the doors slammed shut in front of him and his puppet body was thrown back to the farthest wall.

_"…Orochi, Orochi-my-dick, Oroc-his-dick, Orochiweenie…" finished Clint._

_"Don't forget Orochidick…or should I say Orochi-to-small from chapter 6!"_ Both hosts laughed and everyone in the meeting room wanted to laugh, but were too scared to expect Hidan and Deidara.

 _"Next up is Deidara."_ Deidara stopped laughing at the sound of his name.

_The screen showed the blonde man in an official Ayumi-chan costume. He had on a pink, sparkly outfit with cute little butterfly wings that simmered. He even had cute little boots that were hot pink and had little wings on the ankles. His hair was in its usual ponytail, but was held up by a red sparkling ribbon with a bow holding it._

**Ayumi-chan popped up on tv with her theme playing in the background. "Hey everyone! Are you ready for more adventures with Ayumi-chan and her magical sidekick, Trixie Wixie?"**

**"Yes, un!" Deidara put a fist in the air that wasn't holding his butterfly wand.**

**"What? I can't hear you?"**

**"YES!"**

**"WHAT?"**

**"YEEEEEEEES! MOTHER FUCKING YES, UN! TAKE ME TO STAR SPRING LAND AND TAKE ME ON A JOY RIDE TO KICK ASS ON THAT FUCKING PEGASUS WIXIE!"**

**"Yes? OKAY THEN!" Ayumi's theme then began to play. Very foolishly Deidara began singing off tone dancing around like a fool in the living room to Ayumi's theme song. It looked stupid and everyone watching knew it was too. Even a baby just beginning to walk could dance better. In the background, Kisame was walking by and saw Deidara's wild dance moves. He giggled and left. When he came back, he recorded it. After the catchy theme ended, Deidara sat down on the couch. Kisame was still recording.**

**Fast forwarding a couple minutes later, Ayumi was about to battle a monster. Deidara jumped up. Every move Ayumi made, Deidara made too. When the monster threw a giant rock, Ayumi swung her wand and a beam shot out and destroyed it. Deidara swung his arm and it did nothing, but make impact noises. It was like watching someone watching Dora or some other educational "interactive" show or doing Wii sports.**

**"Yeah! The monsters are defeated and the day is saved!" Aymui clapped her hands after 15 more minutes of the show. "Good job Trixie and good job to you too! See you next time!"**

**The ending theme started playing and then the idiot was singing and dancing again. Kisame was still recording and laughing his ass off.**

**_AYUMI-CHAN! AYUMI-CHAN!_ **

**_SHE SAVED THE DAY!_ **

**_SHE SAVED THE DAY!_ **

**_SHE SAVED US WITH HER SUPER POWERS_ **

**_AND HELP FROM YOU!_ **

**"What's that noise?" Itachi asked as the cameras switched to show Kisame recording and Itachi placing his hand on his partner's arm. "It sounds like a dying cat gurgling syrup."**

**Kisame gestured to Deidara, who was doing a spin and trying to copy Ayumi who was dancing with her Pegasus in the end credits. Itachi bit his lip. "How nice Kisame. We should be going now though."**

**"Why?"**

**"You know what today is."**

**"Um..."**

**Itachi whispered something in Kisame's ear. Kisame sighed and cut off the camera before leaving with his partner.**

Deidara was red as a rose at the video. He was ashamed. Everyone was looking at him and trying hard not to laugh. Hidan was the only one laughing now.

_"And now for our last story of the day since it was a slow news day." Takimi said with the camera switching to him. "Hidan's pisses in sink."_

Hidan stopped laughing.

**The camera showed Hidan banging on his and Kakuzu's bathroom door. "COME ON YOU OLD FUCKER! COME THE FUCK OUTTA THERE! I GOTTA PISS!"**

**"Beat it!"**

**"FUCKER!" He kicked the door. "I SAID GET THE HELL OUT AND LET ME..."**

**"KICK THAT DOOR ONE MORE TIME AND I'LL.."**

_**BOOM** _

_**BOOM** _

_**BOOM** _

**"YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL I COME OUT!"**

**"IF YOU CAN GET OFF THE TOILET, YOU OLD FUCKER!" Hidan ran off. He went to Sasori and Deidara's room. The bomber was making something out of clay when the albino came in. "I gotta piss."**

**"Get in line, pal." Deidara snapped. "I gotta take a massive shit and Sasori's been in there for an hour.**

**"GET OUT YOU FUCKER!"**

_Sasori didn't answer. Hidan tried again and then a puppet came out of nowhere, tossed him out of the room, and slammed the door. Hidan felt like his bladder was about to burst. He sped down the hallway towards Itachi and Kisame's room. He tried opening up the door, but it was locked._

**"SHIT!" Hidan cursed. "LET ME IN!"**

**"We're busy!" shouted Kisame.**

**"I gotta piss!"**

**"I don't care." Itachi said back.**

**"I'LL PISS ON THIS FLOOR IN FRONT OF YOUR DAMN DOOR!"**

**"Do it then." Itachi said in a "I don't give a fuck" voice.**

**Hidan then made a loud angry sound and made the audience at home jump in fear. Even the bravest shinobi jumped at the noise. He began beating on the door like crazy until it opened. The next thing the priest knew he was being thrown into the wall.**

_After getting up he went around the base looking for a bathroom. Every other bathroom was either occupied or broken. He started to ask Pein and Konan to use their bathrooms but thought against it. He settled for the greenhouse and got about 3 seconds of pee time until Zetsu made a vine come out of nowhere and slapped his ass so hard that it made a blood red mark on it. Hidan jumped and stopped peeing and ran._

**"AND STAY OUT YOU FUCKER!" Zetsu shouted.**

_After finding no more places to, he spotted the sink and quickly peed in it._

When the video went off, Pein looked at everyone. "Hidan. Sasori. Deidara. I want you to copy every one of Deidara on the video dance moves while wearing these costumes. Everyone else...LAUGH."

The three men danced like TV Deidara. Hidan was wearing a diaper with his hair tied in pigtails held by bows. Sasori was wearing a too little school girl outfit with pink lacy panties. Deidara was wearing his Ayumi-chan costume. Kisame eagerly video taped the whole thing.


	3. Chapter 3

Pein sighed as he once again sat down at the head of the meeting table. "I thought I said not to do any stupid crap, you morons!"

"Huh? What are you talking about? I haven't done anything stupid." said Konan. "I've been doing chores and shopping all week."

"I wasn't referring to you. I was referring to everyone else!"

"What are you talking about?" asked Zetsu. "Are you talking about everyone?"

"Yes! EVERYONE IN THIS DAMN ROOM EXCEPT KONAN AND I."

"Are you for fucking real?! What fucking proof do you fucking have?!" asked Hidan stupidly.

"I'M GLAD YOU ASKED, MORON!" Pein held up a tape and put it in. "Do I have proof…hmph! Idiot…"

_"Hello everyone and welcome back to Akatsuki Secrets! I'm your host Abby B. Clint!" The raven haired woman said as she adjusted her fake mustache. An unattractive picture of Itachi popped up in the upper right corner of the screen. Itachi appeared to be stuffing his face full of chocolate cake and dango. "We caught a rare video of Uchiha Itachi eating like a hungry hog!"_

**_On the video, Itachi was wondering into the kitchen and opened up the fridge. After looking around for a bit, he pushed aside some food before getting to a huge chunk of cheese. He lifted it up revealing a chocolate cake. He was just about to eat the cake when he spied Kisame coming and placed the cheese back over the cake._ **

_"Morning, Itachi."_

_"Good morning." the shark grabbed some coffee and left._

**_Itachi reached back inside and pulled out the cake disguised as cheese. Suddenly Deidara came in and Itachi quickly disguised the cake and placed it back in. The blonde ignored him and grabbed some cookies in the cabinet and left. The Uchiha waited for a minute and sure enough another person walked in._ **

_"What are you doing in here, asshole?" Deidara glared at the Uchiha._

_"I just got through fucking your man, so I came for some coffee." said the older man irritated._

_"You fucking man-whore." Deidara looked like he was about to punch the Uchiha, but stopped himself when the man's sharingan activated. "Whatever…"_

_"You'd better run you coward." Itachi said smirking as the blonde ninja ran off and he deactivated his sharingan. Once he was gone, Itachi rubbed his forehead before turning back to the fridge. Opening it up, he began stuffing his face full of cake and dango before anyone could come in._

_Kisame walked in, saw this, and took a picture. Itachi looked revealing his food filled cheeks. He looked like a chipmunk, but with some food dripping out of his mouth. He tried saying something but food flew everywhere. Kisame smirked. "Oh, you want this Itachi-kun?"_

_"Mmph!"_

_"I don't know, Itachi-kun." Kisame said holding the picture up very high. "This is a very nice picture…a very rare site indeed. I don't know I'm ever gonna see it again. It might be like a solar eclipse..."_

_Itachi tried grabbing for it which was stupid seeing as Kisame was extremely tall and Itachi was very short compared to the giant shark. Kisame smirked at his partner as he waved the photo above the man's head. "Come on, Itachi-kun. You know what you have to do to get it."_

_Suddenly, Itachi spat out his food into the man's face instead of using his sharingan. Kisame wiped the food off of his face. "That wasn't what I had in mind and you know that…"_

_"GIMME THE PICTURE!" He yelled uncharactersically._

_"Say it..."_

_"Say what?!"_

_"Say…it…"_

_"SAY WHAT, YOU GOOFBALL!?"_

_"You know what I'm talking about."_

_"I don't…" He turned bright red. "No…no way…what if someone comes in here?"_

_"Hm…I think I know some people who would find this picture very interesting…Deidara…Sasuke…"_

_"Okay! Okay!" He sighed. He clasped together his hands, wiggled his hips, and gave his partner his big puppy eyes. "Kisa-chan, please give me that picture. I was only stuffing my face before I wanted to fill the emptiness I feel when your delicious, thick **c***** and your sweet, hot, creamy **c**** isn't in my mouth."_

_"Uh…that wasn't what I meant, Itachi." Kkisame said looking amused._

_"Eh?" The Uchiha wasn't sure he heard him right._

_"I wanted you to beg, not act horny…"_

Everyone looked over at Itachi. Only the top of his head was visible. Deidara and Hidan loudly laughed at him.

_"Oh…uh…" He blushed. "Can I please have it Kisa-chan?"_

_"Nope." Kisame ran off and his lover took off after him._

_A few fast forwarded minutes later, a loud boom came from somewhere in another room. A few seconds later, they heard Itachi yell, "GET OUT OF THE WAY, DEIDARA!"_

_"GET BACK HERE YOU, FUCKER!" Deidara yelled back. "YOU MADE ME DROP MY BEAUTIFUL CREATION!"_

**VIDE0#2**

_Kakuzu was doing some push-ups while Sasori was sitting on his bed reading a book called, "How to Deal with Break-ups" which was written by him. On the cover was a woman pushing away a man. "Kakuzu, did you like my book?"_

_"Your…book?" Kakuzu stopped in mid push up. He really didn't wanna talk about that book. Nobody did. Sasori tended to get violent when angered beyond his limit and his book was one that touched a nerve._

_"Yes. What did you think about it?"_

_"C-can we talk about it later?" he asked. He didn't want to get his butt handed to him on camera._

_"You don't like it, do you?" Sasori frowned, closing his book._

_"No! No! I-I really liked it!"_

_"No…no you don't! Don't lie to_ _me!" Sasori had gotten off his back and was pinching the man's cheeks and stretching them. "YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU LIE!"_

**_Sasori's chest opened and his cord came out and forced its way into his mouth. Kakazu choked on his cord and attempted to get the younger man off of him. He only stopped fighting back when some sort of thick purple liquid came out of the corners of his mouth and he closed his eyes and fell asleep. The puppet master opened his mouth and the cord exited his mouth and went back inside of Sasori._ **

_"Fucker," He shook his head and left._

**VIDEO #3**

**_The camera showed Hidan coming out of the bathroom whistling. A few minutes later Tobi ran up the hall in a hurry and went inside only to squeal and come out seconds later gagging. Deidara came up the hallway looking irritated._ **

_"What the heck is wrong with you?" asked Deidara. "I'm trying to get a report done and you're acting like a fool."_

_"The bathroom!" exclaimed Tobi._

_"What about it?"_

_"It stinks, it's clogged, and it has poop in it!" He pointed at the door._

_"Oh please it doesn't stink that badly," he said rolling his eyes. "Just use the plunger."_

_"I-I can't, Deidara-senpai," whimpered Tobi. "So many! So much!"_

_"Step aside, idiot," He went inside and immediately came out. "WHAT THE HELL!?Who the fuck left those fuckin' lincoln logs in the fucking toliet!"_

_"Senpai, there's something on your foot," Tobi pointed at the younger man's foot which had a magazine article on the bottom on it._

_"EW! It's got shit on it!" Deidara looked disgusted as he dropped it as soon as he saw what was on it._

_"Looks like someone wiped their butt on it."_

_"Who does that?! Wait this is from the magazine Hidan reads! The nasty fuck!"_

_"I always knew that jerk was nasty in more ways than one," said_ _Kazumi Takimi making a face when the camera switched to him._

_"Indeed," agreed Abby. "And to make things worse, when confronted about the mess, he denied it despite his magazine being in the bathroom."_

_"So to all you ladies out there that have a crush on this guy..." began Kazumi._

_"...if you have a crush on the guy or have fallen in love with him..." said Abby._

_"...this is what you may find in your toilet if you ever get with him," They finished in unison. The camera then cut it to an image of the toilet full of crap, toilet, and pieces of a playboy magazine._

"Why the heck would they show that?!" said Konan looking sick.

" **That's fucking nasty!** " said Zetsu. "I can smell it just from looking at it!"

"And that's the last bit of the episode," said Pein turning off the TV. "And now for me to deal with you idiots. Hidan, your nasty ass is going to clean the toilets for the next two months!"

"What?!" Hidan stood up. "WHY?!"

"Oh geez! Maybe it was because you're a nasty mother fucker!" yelled his boss slamming his hands on the table. "Itachi, for being on camera saying **_that_ ** kind of stuff, you're wearing a chastity belt. And I hope Sasuke saw so he can laugh at you for begging for dick like a prostitute."

Itachi just turned red in fury, but said nothing.

"Kisame, you're getting one too!"

"For what?!"

"For revealing you're fucking Cocksucker over there!"

"But...!"

"No buts and you sure won't be bustin' nuts in Itachi's!" Everyone made a face at the image of Itachi and Kisame fucking. "And Sasori you have to wear 'I like Orochimaru's Cock Down My Throat' for 3 weeks even on missions."

Sasori looked as if he wanted to say something, but, like Itachi, he didn't say anything. It was pointless to say anything.

"Kakazu, I didn't forget about your bitch ass either!"

"THE HECK DID I DO?!" He said throwing his arms up.

"Letting Sasori's small ass take you down and show weakness!" said Pein.

"But!"

"You have to find the most ridiculous clothes as well as the most ridiculously expensive clothes you can find!" said Pein. Kakuzu glared at Pein and grumbled under his breath. "Now get out of here assholes!"


	4. Caught in the Act

It was a rather boring and tedious week in the compound. Everyone was constantly watching their backs and making sure to not give the show its material. Everybody rarely spoke to each other, looked at each other, or even touched each other on the shoulder, arm, or wrist*. During their free time of not talking or going on missions, they searched for the carema's. They had done this before, oh how they tried, but they could find no trace of any of the cameras. Either someone was moving them around for the show or someone was in the hideout moving them. One day, after weeks upon having no meetings from their boss, they finally got one. Everyone looked at each other wondering who dared to do something stupid or crazy , for the first time, smiled at them. Not a small, approving smile, but a "Holy shit, is that the Joker!?" grin on his face. Nobody, not even Konan, had ever seen Pain smile like that before. It was starting to creep everybody out, including Kakuzu who was the most fearless out of the Akatsuki. "Congradulations, you simpletons. You finally did it! You haven't given that fucking show a drop of material! I'll give you all raises…!"

Here everybody cheered while Kakuzu just scowled as mind you that would be more money out of the safe. Kakuzu grumbled under his breath as everyone delivered pats on each other's backs, shook hands, and praised each other. Even Itachi crack a smile. When everyone settled down, his smile dropped into a frown. "…is what I would say if you all weren't supposed to do that anyway!"

"FUCKER!" shouted Hidan above all the disappointed and pissed off muttered. Kakuzu breathed in relief. Pain had nearly given him a heart attack with that kinda talk!"

"You all better keep up being proper members or else I'll give those bastards the material they crave so much!"

Everybody pretty much knew what that meant instantly. If one of them dared to misbehave or do something stupid, Pain was probably going to do something embarrassing to them on camera. Though some of the things they did were already embarrassing enough, they didn't want to find out how much more embarrassed they could be by Pain and/or Konan.

They were dismissed after a few of them were given missions to do. Deidara, Itachi, Tobi, and Kisame were to take down a crime lord in the land of lightening. The four were relieved to leave as this meant they could do whatever they wanted without the hidden cameras in their faces. Once they were outside and far away from the hideout, Tobi farted.

"Oh my god, Tobi!" Deidara waved a hand in the air. "What the fuck is wrong with you!? What the hell did you eat?"

"I've been holding that in all week!" exclaimed the masked man. "Do you not know how terrified I was to poot? I couldn't give those people material! I have a reputation to keep up!"

"What reputation?" asked Kisame. "All of us have made names for ourselves somewhere. I don't see anybody getting scared of you."

"Well that's because…" Tobi got quiet.

"Ha! Can't think of anything, can you fartzilla?" smirked Deidara.

Tobi started mimicking the infamous "Deidara does the Ayumi-chan's dance" causing Kisame to burst out laughing. He even began badly singing the song while tears of laughter ran down Kisame's face, Itachi just stared while trying not to crack a smile, and Deidara was turning red in embarrassment and fury.

"ALRIGHT THAT'S ENOUGH ASSHOLE!" He shouted.

"But I thought you like Ayumi-chan, Deidara-chan," he said mockingly.

"FUCK YOU!" He shouted again before storming off.

"That's quite enough, Tobi," said the always calm Uchiha. "We have to keep going if we want to catch our target before he moves."

Tobi nodded and the four of them continued forward. Deidara was too pissed to talk, Kisame talked about his days in the academy with Tobi, and Itachi was quietly, as usual, in front of the chattering pair. Every now and then, the team looked to see if anybody was following them. Being criminals, it made sense they would do so. However, one never did know with the "Akatsuki Secrets" show. They could still be following them. Sadly only Itachi was thinking about this possibility. When he brought this up with Kisame, the older man just shrugged it off and told Itachi that he had nothing to worry about. Maybe he was right, but he couldn't afford to be wrong.

"Just chill out and let loose, Itachi!" said Tobi. "They're probably too scared to follow us."

Later that night, they had set up camp in the woods. Deidara had settled in for the night while Tobi went off to go fishing. Itachi had been in the middle of setting up their tent when he felt a hard slap on his ass. The Uchiha turned to glare into the grinning shark's face. He didn't for long as he was pulled into the embrace of the man. "You know we haven't done anything for a while."

"And for a good reason too," he pointed out.

"The tent's nearly finished…"

"And Deidara's in the other one."

"I got a sock." He sang.

"So use it."

"Gladly," here he squeezed Itachi's behind.

"That's not what I meant," he blushed.

"Are we gonna do this or what, Itachi?"

He peered over to the trees where Tobi headed and then over to Deidara's tent. The man was loudly snoring away. He couldn't detect anyone following them. He sighed. "Fine, but be quiet."

The two hurriedly finished the tent and went inside. The tent shook like crazy with the occasional grunt or moan being heard from inside. Little did they know, someone was watching them.


End file.
